Raping my body will NOT rape me of VICTORY.

_victory

On July 15, 2011, my birthday, I was having a cookout for my bday. I said that I was going to get wasted because I never do. I wanted to enjoy myself. I ended up getting wasted & passed out. I guess the party still continued & after awhile everyone left.

I was awakened by someone taking me to the bathroom squeezing my stomach so that I could throw up. I was in & out of it (like when you try to remember everything in a dream.) I could see that he had on pajama pants & Nike slides, but I never saw his face. I still was going in & out of it & I could feel him having sex with me but I couldn’t move. Then he must have heard someone coming in the house so he stopped. He pulled my shorts up but not my panties.

He went upstairs & I sat up trying to recall what happened or figure out was I dreaming. When I felt that my panties were down I knew I was not dreaming. I ran out of the house because I was terrified. I ran to my cousin & he took me to the hospital. They kept asking me what happened over & over & over again. I was scared to talk about it. Scared to go outside. Scared of the dark. Scared of men. I was just scared of everything. After that day I would cry all day long. I prayed to God that he would call me home because I didn’t want to live any more. Every morning God woke me up. Every morning I would cry asking him why me, what was his purpose for this happening to me, what am I to learn from this, & why isn’t he calling me home.

Days went by & weeks went by & months went by & each day, week, & month that went by I got stronger. God knew I was stronger than I thought I was. I prayed for him to give me strength to get through this & he did. When I got the call from the detective that my rapist was not being charged, because I did not see his face (even though he was the only man in the house who had on what I said he had on).. My faith dropped again. Why is this man free after he ruined who I am? Why am I the one suffering when I am the victim? The system has a way of re-victimizing a victim. Again it took days, weeks & months for me to get myself back together. I am just now realizing that God’s reasoning for this happening to me is so that I can speak up & out to help someone else who may be going through what I am going through. I am still not who I use to be, but I am better than I was two years ago by the grace of God.

This is how God works. Every morning I woke up to my son. He would look at me with a smile & say I love you mom. In my head I would hear God say I dare you to give up. He surrounded me with loved ones who would not let me give up. The loved ones that I was surrounded by were God fearing, some of them happened to also be survivors & I never knew. They taught me to trust God. In the midst of it all, trust God. They taught me to have Faith. I hung on to the word Faith. I would look it up in the dictionary to understand its meaning, looked in the back if the Bible for scriptures that included the word Faith and read them over & over. My loved ones then got me into a church. To my surprise the pastor would be preaching to me. He spoke to me so much that on July 15th 2012, I joined the church. I then became closer to his word, and got stronger & stronger by leaning on him. He once asked what is your purpose. I didn’t have an answer. I was lost. I thought & thought & thought. A couple weeks later I heard my lil cousin was molested as well. It hit me. God is bringing all of this close to me so that I will speak up & help someone who may feel like me, or may feel like giving up. I need to let them know that it gets better.

By Tynisia Stewart

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Posted on July 12, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Sometimes nothing but faith can get us through, and remember what I told u a while back to about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not for you attacker, but for yourself, we question why has god forsaken us , cause this man made u question your faith. I believe you have forgiven because you have restored your faith when this man made question why you? I love you and needed to read this as tears run down my face only to have eat my own words on forgiviness, when I had to ask God why my child. Im so proud of you!

    • Tynisa Stewart

      It took me two years to learn forgiveness.. It is not easy to do, but once you do you feel relieved. Yes I remember you telling me that but I couldn’t understand how I could forgive him. I do now. I love you more!!

  2. You sharing such a personal story in such a public way speaks volumes to how much you have grown! I’m so proud of you and happy your moving forward in a new direction, your stronger then you probably imagined. This has been such a great year for you and we always talking about how good God is! The adversity we face either breaks us or makes us and your are clearly no longer broken!

  3. Angela Stewart

    I keep reading this over and over. And everytime I read it I cry more and more. Not because of what happen to my daughter. But because she is still here to tell her story. Tynisa mommy is so proud of you. I pray to god your words will help someone who going through what you been through.
    Love you mommy

  4. That was powerful!!! It had me in tears!! You are such a strong women and you are truly blessed! I pray this helps you and others deal with whatever they are going through! GOD is GOOD and he can get you through any situation, you just have to have FAITH!!!
    Love You to pieces,

  5. I am a friend of your mother and to read that was kinda hard I wasnt raped but close to it Im so proud of you by trusting GOD you will always overpower I really dont have much to say I really cant all I say is im proud and may he help you to help others and may the Lord continue blessing you in all you do let the heavens smile upon you wishing you all the best love and blessings to you.

  6. My Dear Cousin,
    It hurts my heart to know the pain you have had to overcome. But having been taken to a place so dark and learning to find your way out you have become the light. Not just a light but a beacon of strength that and courage that will guide others out of their darkness. God had not forsaken you, but endowed you with the tools you needed to become one who will build a path that many others will follow to the great life that awaits them once they trust in their faith and themselves. I love you dear cousin. Shine bright so they all will know to follow.

  7. I am beyond proud of you for speaking out and telling your story. I waited all day before reading it because I was at work but since me not knowing I had to work a double today I couldn’t hold off any longer. I already knew it was going to make me cry the entire time reading it. I remember that day so vividly. I kept blaming myself because I wasn’t there. I knew if I was there it would have never happened. I never drove to Philly so fast in my life from Maryland. When I first saw you I just held you in my arms while we both cried. There was so much guilt and hate I carried with myself and I still kinda do even till this day. You have come such a long way from there by keeping God first in your life and living for your son. I love you so much and you are such as stronger woman than I could ever be.

  8. Tynisa Stewart

    Thank you all for all the your kind words & prayers. I love and appreciate the support. It really means a lot to me. Please keep me in your prayers and I will keep you in mine. I love you all!!!

    • I remember this like yesterday and it hurts my heart still you came along ways but one you know God makes no mistakes everything happens for a reason even though we may not know the reason why. God put his hardest battles on his strongers solider and you have proven to be just that nomatter how many times you wanted to give you held on. I love you pooh and you fought and fought. This experience was horrible and and soo sad but yet it made you stronger than ever before. This experience helped you find faith in yourself that you you didn’t even know you had. Your truly loved he may have got away but god will punish him. Prayer heals all wounds I’m soo proud of you I love you pooh. All things are possible through god

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