Beauty for Ashes
The year was 2005. January 18th 2005, to be exact. My son was 2 weeks away from his first birthday. I was in an emotionally tumultuous relationship with his father and the emotional hardship and abuse had gotten out of control. I knew we wouldn’t last long, and that’s why I was doing it.
I sat in a small room with 6 or 7 other girls. None of us spoke. We had on socks and hospital gowns. Nothing else. I lifted my head to peek at the other girls and saw that like me, most had their heads down. I’ll never forget the silence and unease that lived in that room. A nurse walked in, called my name and took me back into an even smaller room still. I laid down on the hospital bed and the doctor walked in, told me what the procedure would entail, and then began the process of giving me anesthesia. The last thing I remember before the life was pulled from my womb was Creed’s, “With Arms Wide Open” playing over the stereo system.
“With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
Well I don’t know if I’m ready
To be the man I have to be
I’ll take a breath, I’ll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we’ve created life”
I pushed the experience to the back of my head and tried to forget it ever happened, but that song haunted me. It haunts me still.
Fast forward to October of the same year. October 20th, to be exact. I was working at Comcast. I was in a brand new relationship. 6 months into this relationship, I found out I was pregnant. Again. I wasn’t ready to have another child and so I scheduled another abortion. The scheduled date was October 21st. On October 20th, while at work, I started to bleed. I wasn’t sure what was happening but I spoke to my manager and high-tailed it out of there. I went straight to Hahnemann Hospital, where after sitting in the waiting room in excruciating pain for 5 hours, I was taken to the back and told I had miscarried. ONE DAY BEFORE my scheduled abortion. Leaving the hospital that night, I kept thinking how this was God’s way of telling me that HE and not I, was in control of life and death. I mourned a child I had planned to murder.
Time goes by. In the beginning of 2007, I went through some very emotionally draining experiences. Literally, the WORST times of my life. I won’t go into much detail about WHAT happened because it’s not my testimony to share. After discovering some heart breaking news, I found out I was pregnant, AGAIN. This time, I wanted it. I felt so convicted from my miscarriage experience and I didn’t want to attempt to take the power of life and death in my hands again. I spoke with Aaron about it and we decided to keep the baby. I was anxiously counting down the time until the end of my first trimester where the risk of miscarriage significantly decreased. When the time came and passed, I remember breathing a deep metaphorical sigh of relief. I began envisioning our child and what it would look like. Too afraid to do it before the first trimester mark had passed. I wanted it to have my smile and his eyes and lips.
In March of 2007, my sister Sophia was getting married and asked me to be her maid of honor. I said yes. I planned her bridal shower for March 4th, 2007. I remember running around like crazy that day, making sure everything was ready for her shower. That night, after the festivities, while walking down the steps of my mom’s house, I felt a sharp pang in my stomach. I was 4 and a half months pregnant at that point so I didn’t think I could miscarry. I was wrong. On March 4th, 2007, I lost another unborn child. I mourned and the grief I felt was deeper and harder than any other loss I had ever experienced. I WANTED this child but God was telling me, you’re STILL not in control of life and death.
In June of that same year, I was picking up the kids from my sister Sophia’s house, who was babysitting for me at the time. She had called me beforehand and asked that I bring her a pregnancy test, so I bought a two pack, because my cycle was late that month. That day, we both found out we were pregnant. Again? I wasn’t sure I was ready. Emotionally, I was still a wreck BUT I wasn’t going to try and play God. Not ever again.
Fast forward to March 3rd 2008, when Anaiya Noraa Porter was born. Things came full circle for me. Almost to DATE, as my previous miscarriage had been March 4th 2007. She IS my miracle baby and every time her birthday rolls around, I am reminded of that experience and how God blessed my life with her.
Abortion is NO joke. There are emotional scars that take a very long time to heal. When I spend time thinking of the children I’ve lost whether by choice or by God’s hand, my heart becomes heavy, my eyes fill with tears, and I hurt. I grieve. My soul becomes contrite.
But when I REALLY think of how God has blessed me, I celebrate. He’s seen me fit to be blessed with 3 beautiful children and I can’t thank Him enough for that, and for them. Sharing this testimony was NOT easy but I’m sharing it because I know that there may be other women, women like me, who grieve and hurt. God can take some of your worst pains, some of your WORST situations, some of your WORST mistakes and give you something beautiful in its stead. He’s done it for me and He can most certainly do it for you. Every time I see my daughter’s face, I am reminded of that.
God truly has given me, beauty for ashes.
Ps. I posted this knowing FULL WELL that I may be judged by some for what I’ve done but knowing that it may help someone overrides the sting of judgement. Besides, ultimately, God is the only one who can judge me and He and I have a special relationship going on. One that offers grace, mercy and forgiveness for ALL of my sins.
by Ayiana Porter
Posted on September 23, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged abortion, ashes, beauty, beauty for ashes, children, Christ, death, Depression, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, God, Gods Love, Grace, Jesus, life, life and death, Loss, miscarry, Pregnancy, restoration, with arms wide open. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.