Testimony of an Ex-Jezebel.
My life hasn’t been, easy my childhood birthed so many negative things I got involved in. I was born into what the world calls a dysfunctional family. I grew up with two older sisters and a brother. From birth there was something my mom hated about me. (it was what God had placed in me in the womb that would be my destiny and purpose). She would always call me stupid or say I should have aborted you; but I was my daddy’s princess. He was a good father, he took care of home; even his drunken wife until the day he died. He died when I was 3.
We were so close; he was my hope because he didn’t talk down to me. He didn’t hit me because i spilled something on accident. He showed me true love. I was a heart broken 3 year old when he died. He died in car accident. I still remember the way he use to call me princess or the way he tucked me in at night or how he told me he loved me. He didn’t get the chance to tell me my worth or how a real man is suppose to treat me or that real love is John 3:16. My mom moved on pretty quickly.
So many different men were in and out of our lives. She beat me and they beat me. I was terrified. I thought I was going to die. At age 4 my life changed forever, when one of my mom’s boyfriend rape and molested me. My virginity was gone just like that. I told my mom and all she could say is, “it was your fault.” Mind you I’m four years old. Time went on and that wound healed only to get hurt again. Still the same answer.
At age 9I started to have to take care of my mom because she was always drunk. If my brothers and i didn’t cook, we didn’t eat. We took care of each other. We grew up really fast. I left home at age 14 because I just could take it anymore. The thought in my mind was that sleeping in the streets has to be better than this. So one day I left and never came back; all I had was the clothes on my back. I remember the devil whispering many times “just take your life, she doesn’t care, nobody loves you. Your dad is gone.” I would hear this over and over again. He was trying to kill the purpose that God had for me.
I had no idea then, but there was something that the devil was after. He would do whatever it takes to destroy it. At 14 I was alone with no place to go. I thought that since my mom didn’t talk to my grandmother for whatever reason I couldn’t either. I had to do everything on my own. So I had to find away to make ends meet. It was a way of survival. I met a few guys on the street who would hit on me; I would tell them what happened and they said they would provide for me. I was so blinded I didn’t know it came with a price. I was out there looking for a father figure, someone who would love me just like my daddy did. That didn’t happen and I ended up having sex with so many different dudes just to feel loved. I thought sex was love.
I was messing with this one guy he was owner of a strip club. He told me I could work at his club. The thought of stripping freaked me out, but he said I could make almost 1000 a night. I told him I was nervous. He replied “that’s nothing a drink or a pill can’t solve.” That’s we’re my addiction to pills started. I need to feel some type of high in order to dance. I worked at this club for about 8 months. Then one day I ran into my grandmother. This was the woman I wasn’t supposed to speak to because of my mom. She recognized me and I have no idea how; being though I’ve only saw her a couple times. I told her that I left my moms house. She said “well baby what you out here doing?” I told her that I was working at club she told me to come with her. So we went to her house. She fixed me something to eat and told me I could stay with her as long as I stop working at the club.
It wasn’t that easy to stop working at the club. I had gotten use to the lifestyle. I stayed with her for a while but the streets were calling my name. While I was living with my grandma she took me to church every Sunday. I grew some sort of hated for church because the people would look at me funny or start whispering whenever I came in the room. I hated them and almost fought one of them because of it. So I went back in to streets to what I knew best. Stripping had become a career path for me. I wasn’t interest in school anymore; I barely went due to being so tired from working at the club. I was in and out of school. I wasn’t concerned about getting an education or making a plan for my future. I was concerned on how I was going to make it through the next day.
My life revolved around working at the club and sleeping around. Wasn’t the kind of lifestyle that I had planned for myself, it just happened. At 16 I got introduced to escorting. One of the girls that worked at the club also worked as an escort. She told me that this club money was play money compared to the money she made escorting. I was all about the money the money so I did whatever it took to get it. I learned not to get attached to anyone in that lifestyle because that’s how I would get hurt. I had this nonchalant attitude and a guard up. Money was my only friend.
But the pain I went through escorting was not worth the money when I came to think about it. I was beaten, raped, emotionally abused; but I didn’t care as long as I was getting paid in the end. I remember one day literally running to my grandma’s house because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had been beaten so bad my grandma saw me and was crying hysterically. Even after all that she couldn’t keep me from that life. I left her house the next morning to go back to the money. I was starting to get tired of the whole lifestyle, but I spent another two years escorting. I remember walking down the street and this girl came up to me and told me that Jesus loved me. I told her yea right, then how come he took my dad from me when I was a young and my mom beat me till I was 14. I totally vented to that girl but she didn’t have the answers to my questions; she simply said He was watching over me.
She invited me to her church, but I hated church people because of my past experience. Eventually I went, not right away but on my time. When I walked in I just felt the whole entire church stare at me. I felt so out of place. I got up and left. Hurt by church again I went back to escorting. I said to myself I guess this is just the plan for my life. I felt like I was nobody. I was really close to just breaking down and giving up.
I ran into that girl who invited me to her church. She called out to me, I’m thinking is she stalking me lol. But she gave me a hug and told me that God loved me so much and asked why did I leave church? I told her I didn’t feel comfortable. I felt like everyone was watching me. She invited me to this connect group. She said I might feel more comfortable there. I’m like do you know that I’m an escort? She said it doesn’t matter; God loves you and has such great plans for you. Plans for who? Not me I’m a nobody.
My first time at this connect group I thought was odd. I walked into the room and I everyone one spoke to me for the first time I felt accepted. The connect group was a group of people who vented about there issues. They shared there testimonies. That night I broke down right there and I gave my life to Christ. They all prayed for me and I felt God’s love for the first time. The love I had been looking for years. I didn’t instantly walk away from the escorting lifestyle. I wanted out everyday and I would think of way to get out. One of the girls that was escorting with me asked me have I ever done porn or thought about it. I told her heck no. I told her I wanted to get out of this whole escorting lifestyle. She told me just try porn; it would be enough to survive if I wanted to get out. My first day on the set of porn was mind blowing. It was so much different than watching it on a screen. All you saw were people getting high and people having sex all over place. I was terrified but I knew I needed the money to get out!!! I did two porns and I hated it. I hated everything about sex. God was changing my appetite. I left the escorting at age 19 n a half. It wasn’t easy, I was use to getting money and not waiting for a paycheck. But the closer I got to God, the more I couldn’t live the life I was living. God saved me from the abuse, and most importantly from myself. After I left so many people were looking for me . God’s grace saved me from those people; those that were hurting me. This is just a little a piece of my story. More is to come. God is not done with me yet!!!
by @ExJezebel Instagram & Twitter
Posted on September 30, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged children, Christ, drinking, drug, drug use, Dysfunctional family, Escort, God, Holy SPirit, Jesus, Jezebel, Judgement, lifestyle, molested, Mother, raped, runaway, Strip Club, Stripper, Sunday. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.