Do I stay or do I go?
Hello DSM, I am a 32 year old mother of 2. I’ve been in a relationship with my children’s father for 6 years and we’ve lived together for the last 2 but we are not married. I’ve always gone to church but to be honest, when the preacher preached on the things we should be doing, it went in one ear and out the other. All I wanted to hear about is what God is gonna do for me. That was until recently. For the past maybe 4 months I’ve been really convicted about living with my boyfriend and having sex and we’re not married. I talked to him about it but he just brushes it off. He says in God’s eyes we’re married already so it’s ok. I know that isn’t right but I’m in a serious dilemma. I want to begin to live a holy life and stop fornicating but I’m scared if I stop having sex with my boyfriend he will go out and cheat on me. I don’t know what to do. Does God really consider us married? Do I continue to have sex to please him and ignore my convictions or do I hold out? Do I have to move out and live in separate houses until we are married? Please help me.
Thank you so much for writing in to us. We know that you are not alone in this; this is a situation many find themselves in. The first thing we want to address is; God does not consider you married just because you have sex and/or have children with someone. Any sex outside of professing marriage vows before God and a Pastor/Priest is fornication. I know you feel conviction but don’t feel extremely bad due to the situation because it is common. However; there has to come a time where we put God before EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. You say you’re afraid of him leaving, can you imagine if The Holy Spirit left you? In Psalm 51 after committing adultery, David pleads with God not to take His Spirit from him. He knew that living in sin will remove God’s Spirit (which is grace, mercy, protection, provision etc.) from him. It’s one thing to lose man; it’s a whole other world to lose God’s Spirit.
If you are feeling convictions about the sex or anything; that is God telling you it’s time to leave it behind and give it up for Him. Those convictions usually come when god is trying to take you higher in Him but you can’t go to where He wants to take you with that sin on you. So yes you have to hold out. Does your boyfriend go to church? Does he read his word? If so you have to use the word to bring him to the place of godly conviction that you are. Don’t try to make him feel guilty, just show him that what you’ll are doing is not the way God wants you to live. Concerning moving out; this might not be a popular opinion amongst believers but it’s not necessary that you move out. While according to Christian standards it’s not ideal that you live with a person before you get married; moving will cause too much disruption in your life and your children. In 1Cor 7, Paul is dealing with an issue of people getting saved but their spouses were unbelievers and even idolaters. He told them not to leave their spouses, for they would be the light to their spouse that could lead them to salvation. Your situation isn’t quite the same but the principle of being the light to bring him out of the darkness in his mind is the same.
So we suggest that you stay but follow your convictions, stop having sex and demand that if he wants to keep you; that you require to be his wife. If he wants all the benefits that a wife brings, then he needs to make you one. Take a stand to live holy for God by regarding your relationship with Him higher than your relationship with your boyfriend. If he really loves you (and being with you 6 years he does) he will give you what you want. Until now you didn’t make this a requirement so asking for this after all these years will cause hesitation on his part so don’t be discouraged if he doesn’t jump on board immediately. Keep praying and listening to the voice of God. This is what is necessary for you to be all and get all that God has created you for; even if it means losing someone you love. Mark 8:36 “What does it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul?” Put God first and everything else in life will fall in line.
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