Do I stay or do I go?


Transparent Issues:

 Hello DSM, I am a 32 year old mother of 2. I’ve been in a relationship with my children’s father for 6 years and we’ve lived together for the last 2 but we are not married. I’ve always gone to church but to be honest, when the preacher preached on the things we should be doing, it went in one ear and out the other. All I wanted to hear about is what God is gonna do for me. That was until recently. For the past maybe 4 months I’ve been really convicted about living with my boyfriend and having sex and we’re not married. I talked to him about it but he just brushes it off. He says in God’s eyes we’re married already so it’s ok. I know that isn’t right but I’m in a serious dilemma. I want to begin to live a holy life and stop fornicating but I’m scared if I stop having sex with my boyfriend he will go out and cheat on me. I don’t know what to do. Does God really consider us married?  Do I continue to have sex to please him and ignore my convictions or do I hold out? Do I have to move out and live in separate houses until we are married? Please help me.


DSM Response,

Thank you so much for writing in to us. We know that you are not alone in this; this is a situation many find themselves in. The first thing we want to address is; God does not consider you married just because you have sex and/or have children with someone. Any sex outside of professing marriage vows before God and a Pastor/Priest is fornication. I know you feel conviction but don’t feel extremely bad due to the situation because it is common. However; there has to come a time where we put God before EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. You say you’re afraid of him leaving, can you imagine if The Holy Spirit left you? In Psalm 51 after committing adultery, David pleads with God not to take His Spirit from him. He knew that living in sin will remove God’s Spirit (which is grace, mercy, protection, provision etc.) from him. It’s one thing to lose man; it’s a whole other world to lose God’s Spirit.


If you are feeling convictions about the sex or anything; that is God telling you it’s time to leave it behind and give it up for Him. Those convictions usually come when god is trying to take you higher in Him but you can’t go to where He wants to take you with that sin on you. So yes you have to hold out. Does your boyfriend go to church? Does he read his word? If so you have to use the word to bring him to the place of godly conviction that you are. Don’t try to make him feel guilty, just show him that what you’ll are doing is not the way God wants you to live. Concerning moving out; this might not be a popular opinion amongst believers but it’s not necessary that you move out. While according to Christian standards it’s not ideal that you live with a person before you get married; moving will cause too much disruption in your life and your children. In 1Cor 7, Paul is dealing with an issue of people getting saved but their spouses were unbelievers and even idolaters. He told them not to leave their spouses, for they would be the light to their spouse that could lead them to salvation. Your situation isn’t quite the same but the principle of being the light to bring him out of the darkness in his mind is the same. 

So we suggest that you stay but follow your convictions, stop having sex and demand that if he wants to keep you; that you require to be his wife. If he wants all the benefits that a wife brings, then he needs to make you one. Take a stand to live holy for God by regarding your relationship with Him higher than your relationship with your boyfriend. If he really loves you (and being with you 6 years he does) he will give you what you want. Until now you didn’t make this a requirement so asking for this after all these years will cause hesitation on his part so don’t be discouraged if he doesn’t jump on board immediately. Keep praying and listening to the voice of God. This is what is necessary for you to be all and get all that God has created you for; even if it means losing someone you love. Mark 8:36 “What does it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul?” Put God first and everything else in life will fall in line.


Sincerely DSM

The Forum is open below. Comment your remarks on this situation.

Remember to stay positive



Posted on January 22, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. I actually disagree. I believe you should be a light to this young however you should take a stand for the Lord and live seperately until marriage. If this is who God has for you God will line it up! Dont be afraid as though you’ll lose him because you should never ne afraid to lose anything or anyone. Sometimes things and people call become an idol and a soul tie and can block your blessing. If your doing all the wife duties why should you be his wife again? He actually put it in different words to you but its the same thing. Im not saying he doesnt love you nor hurt your feelings, but you have to love yourself and only allow people to love you as Christ does. People make mistakes but the union of marriage is a symbol of Gods love for His church and its not being shown this way. Also remember youur salvation is your own and you will stand before the Lord ALONE remember that. Seek God and trust what He says because He knows best though I feel He has already shown you what to do! I pray this works out sis but I’m more concerned about the salvation of you too not what makes you comfortable.

  2. Missed a few words sorry typing so fast lol.

  3. Hello,

    Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share your story! I wanted to encourage you today and let you know that you’re not alone and that this topic is one many struggle with today. I wanted to let you know that deliverance does not happen over night it is a process! This process includes purification which comes through prayer and fasting. When you go to God in prayer and seek after him he will show you the road you will take to reach your deliverance. During this time he will show you things such as yourself, your past, and even some mistakes that have hindered you from being free! Then he will show you the mapped out plan to your deliverance! As you continually seek after him you will begin to build up a resilience against the very thing that use to control you. Don’t be afraid to allow God to purify you because this is the very process that will bring you closer to your deliverance. Deliverance starts with you and will only take place when you allow God to take you through the fire to burn off every thing in your life that is not like him! Think of the purification process as if God is using this very thing to draw you closer to him that you may reflect his glory in your life. Think of your life as being a diamond, it undergoes much heat and pressure in order for it to get its perfect shape and look. Let God purify you and cleanse your entire life that nothing of you or your past will remain. We were made in his image, so purifying only makes us look more and more like him. We are a reflection of our Father, we will overcome sin even as Christ has overcome the world. Keep seeking after him and watch God deliver you out of every trial you endure in this life.Be encouraged!

  4. Lets just start off by thanking God that He never leaves us nor forsake us. For the fact that you are feeling conviction, is an example that the Lord is pushing you too greatness. If we never feel any convictions and remain in the same state, we will never have growth. Don’t feel guilty about it because everyone is faced with this same battle.

    Having sex before marriage is fornication and you are not married until you go before a minister and joined through ceremony before God. There’s no way around that despite what anyone says.
    YOu said that you were fearful of him cheating on you if you stop having sex with him. The scripture says that God have not given us the sprit of fear but peace,love and a sound mind. Fear is a device the enemy uses to bind us. You cannot have faith and fear at the same time. FEAR COUNTERACTS FAITH. AS believers we know that all things work for the good for those who love the Lord, therefore, when we make decisions based off of FAITH, it is for the good. God knows your heart desires, so you must trust that if you follow His lead, it is for the good.
    On a worldly note…if he cheats on you based on your stand which is in God, then you know where he stands and his capabilities.
    None the less… i have no doubt you will be fine. 🙂 Pray that God lead and directs your path and trust and know that He has your best interest as His precious child.
    Be Blessed!!!!

  5. I think that this is a great conversation and a great format DSM.

    I first want to say to the young lady you are not alone. & through your transparency, I am sure another person may be helped. I agree completely with the response that DSM gave you but I would be leary to continue to live in the house so I understand the woman who responded & said move out of the house.

    The Bible talks about how we do not want to give the appearance of evil (1 Thess 5:22). & unfortunately if you are having sex or not having sex to continue to co-habitat gives the appearance of evil. The second thing is that not moving can also make the temptation that much harder. abstaining from sex takes constant prayer and fasting and the process of sanctification can be difficult when that very thing you are freeing yourself from is laying right next to you. But it may not be practical for you to move and if not then move in the room with your children and God will provide a way of escape just in time. (1 Cor 10:13).

    Be encouraged, pray and allow the Holy Spirit to direct you. The Spirit is such a wonderful thing that it intercedes (prays) on our behalf. & because prayer is communication (talking & listening) take some time to hear from God. Hear what it is that the Spirit is telling you to do. Sometimes, we are already know what it is we are suppose to do, we just want someone to say it. & God is saying I already told you how to handle this. Whatever decision you make, know that holiness is not easy, so it may be something that makes you feel uncomfortable in the moment but in the end it will be something that gives you peace.

    God Bless you sister!

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